Last night Ed and I had a nice long talk about staying here for his MBA (an extra year after I finish). At first I was very upset and wrote an overly dramatic "I hate the world" piece, which I won't post because of the foul language, but it ultimately helped calm me down. Ed pointed out that I've been so negative lately that he worries that if we move home and we give up everything (school and job opportunities) here that I will still be unhappy with my situation at home. Let's face it, finding a job in CA, especially SF, will be even harder than here. As much as I like my mom's cooking and my twin sized bed, I can't live under my parent's roof for the rest of my life. Getting experience out here would be much more beneficial for when I hit the Bay Area job market. Plus, the cons of moving home are just as bad, if not worse, than if I stayed out here with him to get his MBA (that is if he can get the funding). While reflecting through my writing, I realized that I don't just want a ring on my finger, I also want to go home. One is not good enough anymore. Even if we got married and then had to come back out here for school, I know that I wouldn't be any happier. I want to be happy with my marriage and not use as a piece of tape to keep me on the East Coast (besides, it'd be scotch tape, not duck). If Ed and I can make it through these ultimately insignificant four years of our life, then maybe we are meant for each other. I'm sure that we can make it through four winters in Troy and then be happy together for the next fifty years. All in all, I've realized that marriage won't solve the problem. I'm the only one who can do anything for myself at this point. And while I really want to move home and get married, I don't want to live my life with Ed and know that he's bitter that I held him back from getting a free MBA. If I move home in May then he will come too, which means that he won't get his masters in business administration or an MBA. Although I don't like the fact that he was putting a dollar value to himself in terms of the future job market, it does make sense. It would benefit us in the future. I had said that I want to go back in May and start a family. Of course he pointed out that neither of us are financially ready to start a family.
Be that as it may, I still know that I want to be home. As he is much better at looking at the future and focusing on it, I am trying to follow his lead by being more positive. I have noticed that I know that the future is the best thing to focus on, but I have difficulty doing that. So my only option is to focus on the positive things about living in Troy. We've come to the conclusion that I've been borderline depressed and that an attitude adjustment will do me good. We've discussed this many times, but now that there really is a possibility that we'll have to stay longer I think it's best for both of us if I rethink my outlook on life. I don't want to take any medication/go to the doctor for it because I don't think I'm that bad so I'm going to try to actually do something about it. I woke up to a bright and sunny day today so I'm feeling very hopeful. I emailed a friend about going to play soccer with her and I have an interview this afternoon. Things are looking good.
With that said, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and would be very appreciative if you all, family and friends, would help keep my outlook on life on the up and up. Yell at me if you see any negative posts or chat conversations! Ed and I are in this for the long haul.